world stopped spinning

You know when your heart is full? Full of hopes and dreams, fears and wonderings. Well mine is.

I’m in between worlds, in between continents, between friends, family, in between different hopes and dreams. And spilling over with words and thoughts with no one to tell.

And so this other in between world seems right. A blog to no one. To myself. To know my heart. To others in between. To friends I don’t know, and readers of my soul.

I am girl. My heart is learning, hardening, softening, stretching, as it feels, hurts, grows, loves, hopes.

I’ve had the amazing job that fascinates and consumes, and yet it left me excited, empty, craving more and yet never satisfying. In that world of fast, important , pride, my heart began to miss peace, love, home.

And I found it in a person, a boy. Who may grow to be a man. Or may stay a boy with a good heart, always feeling but never jumping for his own dreams. This boy touched my heart. Made me feel home in a turbulent world, his love and patience, steadied me, grew me, gave me a peace in my spinning world.

And then my world stopped spinning. I stopped it. I needed a break. I was losing myself and the things that made me me. When the spinning stopped this boy became so much more. An icon, a symbol of love, and safety, of warm arms, warm smile, warm heart. A voice, a song, I loved.

And as I realized, as I knew my heart; he didn’t know his. Old words, letters of love - I know he meant at the time - now cheap and crumbling in my hands, my heart, as he said “no.” “I don’t know” “maybe let go.”

And so I’m letting go. I’m grateful. He taught me, loved me, helped me through a dark night in my life, showed me things in myself I didn’t know were there….and let me teach him, love him, show him good worth striving for, goals worth having.

But I’m also angry. For the words he didn’t think through. For the thoughtless promises of love and years and faithfulness. I know he meant them. He was sorry before, trying to make up for pain he caused me, for other actions he didn’t think through a long time ago. And that letter, from his heart, has been carried in mine. I didn’t dare to believe him at the time. His heart was good but he was weak. And then watching him grow, proving himself, his patience persistence, kindness, and love, I began to hope, to trust in promises that were maybe never real. For dreams that were just that, nighttime fantasies worth nothing in light of day…..that’s what I’m left with. His words, my dreams, worth nothing.

A boy. A nice boy with a good heart. But still learning what character is. What it is to be trustworthy, to know ones self and to be constant.

Those are lessons I’ve learned, the hard way. I’ve made those mistakes before and maybe hurt others – perhaps this is my penance – but never again. I know to not say what I cant promise, I know not to give hope if I know it’s not there…..and maybe this too has caused pain. Maybe I didn’t give him what he needed when he needed it. But I was real. Always. And proud of that. And promise I’ve made I’ve kept. Because I thought when I made them. And I’m angry that he doesn’t think, think of what feelings mean, that maybe those feelings don’t last, and if they don’t where does that leave you….a liar? A fake? A weak boy who says what’s easy…and does what’s easy too…

I’m ready for love. Love the will consume my heart and soul. Amplify my dreams, infuse my goals with the essence of completion, satisfaction. My dreams and hopes are many, but only love finishes them with an ending that’s fully right. With someone whose hands are in yours when the dreams are complete, when lives are changed, futures given.

And so I’m here, in this little village in Africa, very alone with my thoughts, dreams, fears. And I am going to work on making them happen, on changing the lives of those around me, bringing hope where I can, relief where I can, and love and hope everywhere. And I will wait. Wait for my true love, wait to share a smile with one who knew every step it took to get there, and loved every step of the way.