New dreams

I’m amazed at the feelings a heart can hold. My love is still mine. It’s stunning the confusions distance can create…throw some insecurities, time differences and facebook into the mix and you’re in trouble! But his heart true, and I’m still in it. And I think we’re trying this love distance.

Thinking he was gone was such a weight, and so hard to bear alone. But I would have. And I would have come through just fine, a little sadder, a little stronger, a little wiser. But I don’t have to.

Thinking one needs to let go is heartbreaking, but stepping away from that is incredible. I never knew how much a green dot on gchat could make me smile, how much a binging on skype could excite me…..and I realized so many little things about him that love.

He is honest in a way few people are, he is kind, and he loves what is good and right….and he is brave in the best way. He’ll step out when he thinks he needs to, he will put his heart on the line, he’s braver than I am. And he will listen when he’s done something that’s hurt me….i don’t know if you realize how rare that is; but he will really listen; to me…and not just think about how he wasn’t wrong or why he did what he did…..

But this time has been good for another reason too….being here, with my very Christian, and very loving family, I’ve had time to think about other things too. To think about God. I’ve had so many plans for my life, HAVE so many plans, and have been trying to weigh and figure out whats best, and whats next, and how best to do it, and get back to my life as quickly as I can. And I have been checked.

This is my life right now. And it is lonely. But it is good. It’s part of me becoming the me I will be….and it’s giving me time to be still, to listen, to pray, and to wait.

I’ve been fighting where I am, but I’m working on stopping that, it still may take a bit of time, but I’m trying. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, about the things I want in my life, and the kind of things I want to be motivated by….and about how my actions and plans need to be shaped by the things I believe.

I like church my parents go to…..it’s little clappier than I thought I liked ….but in Sunday felt God in a way I haven’t in a long time…… I really felt like God has a plan for me, not in a generic trite pat kind of feeling way, but rather a very specific purpose and all of the things in my life are lining up to accomplish that, whatever it is….This is weird to explain, because in some way I’ve believed that for so long, but I haven’t been living like I do believe it. And in some way this time here now is good, I’ve been so lonely with out all of my friends and while it doesn’t feel better I’m realizing that I’m learning and growing in ways that I dont when I’m so busy…

I’m learning that in my life’s next chapter, I want to not just pursue things that I want, but I want to pursue something greater…..i’m not there yet but I am realizing that the words of that old song are so true….and life altering if you Really think about them…..”seek my face and not my hand” rather than trying to figure out what I’m supposed to do…I should be learning about the person who made me to do it…and he will show me in the way I need to see. Because he made this plan especially for me, and he wants me to get that, and to run with it…..but first I need to seek his face. So I am seeking.

break again

Old, real, but feeling again somehow

Mike, my love, my heartbreak,

Why does every thought bring me to you? But it does. A song I want you to hear, feel. A hand I want to hold, feel. A view you would love. Feel. Moments shared. Love growing.

In some fucked up way being away from you has amplified every feeling, every emotion I have.

In my head there is no way I want to be with you, with anyone who’s not sure how they feel about me. Because real love is sure.

And yet my heart aches for you. To hear your voice. Stories of your show. Things that make you laugh. I want to tell you about my new plans, my new dreams, to hear your thoughts, your questions. I want to read your essays, to know your dreams as they grow and change, to know your challenges, to encourage you to face them as the man I was starting to know.

But talking to you guts me, makes me think about your new loves, makes me feel the us is gone. So I don’t call. But I hold on to the thought. The one call I’m still allowed to make. Where you say you love me…that youre waiting to see me in May, that your heart is mine and I am in yours…..

But is that hope hurting me? Keeping me tied to something dead, abandoned, kept alive in my heart, but worth nothing more than a childish fairy dream?

Maybe. Probably. I am sure. And yet I can’t let go. What will make me let go? A photograph of a kiss? Already I see the words on a wall (facebook kills), the smiling pictures of new girls, and somehow I hope, that everything you might have with them makes you miss me, miss us. Because us was unreal, amazing, love.

I look over my thoughts and I’m angry at myself, for believing, for hoping. I already know that if the right love was there, in your heart for me…that you would have chased, held on, told me you loved me and wanted to wait til May, that this was worth waiting for, that noting you could feel could match this….and you Don’t feel that. So God Damn it! Why cant I let go??

I don’t know. I don’t know. But I will let go. Pride is good, and strong….and helps with the following though. I will stay grateful for all of the good….. and I will stay angry at all of the cheap words and promises that fooled my heart…the kind love was real, but mixed in with some much shit that at the end of the day you wonder whether over all was good or bad.

Either way, it was. And it is shaping me, and I will come out strong, determined, brave, and ready for my real love. But damn you for being so immature, for not knowing your heart and for throwing words and dreams into my heart that you never had any intention of following though on.

world stopped spinning

You know when your heart is full? Full of hopes and dreams, fears and wonderings. Well mine is.

I’m in between worlds, in between continents, between friends, family, in between different hopes and dreams. And spilling over with words and thoughts with no one to tell.

And so this other in between world seems right. A blog to no one. To myself. To know my heart. To others in between. To friends I don’t know, and readers of my soul.

I am girl. My heart is learning, hardening, softening, stretching, as it feels, hurts, grows, loves, hopes.

I’ve had the amazing job that fascinates and consumes, and yet it left me excited, empty, craving more and yet never satisfying. In that world of fast, important , pride, my heart began to miss peace, love, home.

And I found it in a person, a boy. Who may grow to be a man. Or may stay a boy with a good heart, always feeling but never jumping for his own dreams. This boy touched my heart. Made me feel home in a turbulent world, his love and patience, steadied me, grew me, gave me a peace in my spinning world.

And then my world stopped spinning. I stopped it. I needed a break. I was losing myself and the things that made me me. When the spinning stopped this boy became so much more. An icon, a symbol of love, and safety, of warm arms, warm smile, warm heart. A voice, a song, I loved.

And as I realized, as I knew my heart; he didn’t know his. Old words, letters of love - I know he meant at the time - now cheap and crumbling in my hands, my heart, as he said “no.” “I don’t know” “maybe let go.”

And so I’m letting go. I’m grateful. He taught me, loved me, helped me through a dark night in my life, showed me things in myself I didn’t know were there….and let me teach him, love him, show him good worth striving for, goals worth having.

But I’m also angry. For the words he didn’t think through. For the thoughtless promises of love and years and faithfulness. I know he meant them. He was sorry before, trying to make up for pain he caused me, for other actions he didn’t think through a long time ago. And that letter, from his heart, has been carried in mine. I didn’t dare to believe him at the time. His heart was good but he was weak. And then watching him grow, proving himself, his patience persistence, kindness, and love, I began to hope, to trust in promises that were maybe never real. For dreams that were just that, nighttime fantasies worth nothing in light of day…..that’s what I’m left with. His words, my dreams, worth nothing.

A boy. A nice boy with a good heart. But still learning what character is. What it is to be trustworthy, to know ones self and to be constant.

Those are lessons I’ve learned, the hard way. I’ve made those mistakes before and maybe hurt others – perhaps this is my penance – but never again. I know to not say what I cant promise, I know not to give hope if I know it’s not there…..and maybe this too has caused pain. Maybe I didn’t give him what he needed when he needed it. But I was real. Always. And proud of that. And promise I’ve made I’ve kept. Because I thought when I made them. And I’m angry that he doesn’t think, think of what feelings mean, that maybe those feelings don’t last, and if they don’t where does that leave you….a liar? A fake? A weak boy who says what’s easy…and does what’s easy too…

I’m ready for love. Love the will consume my heart and soul. Amplify my dreams, infuse my goals with the essence of completion, satisfaction. My dreams and hopes are many, but only love finishes them with an ending that’s fully right. With someone whose hands are in yours when the dreams are complete, when lives are changed, futures given.

And so I’m here, in this little village in Africa, very alone with my thoughts, dreams, fears. And I am going to work on making them happen, on changing the lives of those around me, bringing hope where I can, relief where I can, and love and hope everywhere. And I will wait. Wait for my true love, wait to share a smile with one who knew every step it took to get there, and loved every step of the way.