New dreams

I’m amazed at the feelings a heart can hold. My love is still mine. It’s stunning the confusions distance can create…throw some insecurities, time differences and facebook into the mix and you’re in trouble! But his heart true, and I’m still in it. And I think we’re trying this love distance.

Thinking he was gone was such a weight, and so hard to bear alone. But I would have. And I would have come through just fine, a little sadder, a little stronger, a little wiser. But I don’t have to.

Thinking one needs to let go is heartbreaking, but stepping away from that is incredible. I never knew how much a green dot on gchat could make me smile, how much a binging on skype could excite me…..and I realized so many little things about him that love.

He is honest in a way few people are, he is kind, and he loves what is good and right….and he is brave in the best way. He’ll step out when he thinks he needs to, he will put his heart on the line, he’s braver than I am. And he will listen when he’s done something that’s hurt me….i don’t know if you realize how rare that is; but he will really listen; to me…and not just think about how he wasn’t wrong or why he did what he did…..

But this time has been good for another reason too….being here, with my very Christian, and very loving family, I’ve had time to think about other things too. To think about God. I’ve had so many plans for my life, HAVE so many plans, and have been trying to weigh and figure out whats best, and whats next, and how best to do it, and get back to my life as quickly as I can. And I have been checked.

This is my life right now. And it is lonely. But it is good. It’s part of me becoming the me I will be….and it’s giving me time to be still, to listen, to pray, and to wait.

I’ve been fighting where I am, but I’m working on stopping that, it still may take a bit of time, but I’m trying. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, about the things I want in my life, and the kind of things I want to be motivated by….and about how my actions and plans need to be shaped by the things I believe.

I like church my parents go to…..it’s little clappier than I thought I liked ….but in Sunday felt God in a way I haven’t in a long time…… I really felt like God has a plan for me, not in a generic trite pat kind of feeling way, but rather a very specific purpose and all of the things in my life are lining up to accomplish that, whatever it is….This is weird to explain, because in some way I’ve believed that for so long, but I haven’t been living like I do believe it. And in some way this time here now is good, I’ve been so lonely with out all of my friends and while it doesn’t feel better I’m realizing that I’m learning and growing in ways that I dont when I’m so busy…

I’m learning that in my life’s next chapter, I want to not just pursue things that I want, but I want to pursue something greater…..i’m not there yet but I am realizing that the words of that old song are so true….and life altering if you Really think about them…..”seek my face and not my hand” rather than trying to figure out what I’m supposed to do…I should be learning about the person who made me to do it…and he will show me in the way I need to see. Because he made this plan especially for me, and he wants me to get that, and to run with it…..but first I need to seek his face. So I am seeking.